Anger Management

Have you ever been sitting in church listening to the message and thinking, "Yeah, that's nice and everything, and I'm sure it will come in handy some day, but right now it just doesn't apply to me"? Then, a few days later something comes up and that message you heard just smacks you in the head!
It's been one of those days.
The service yesterday was on anger... Fun, right? I know I have a problem with anger because when someone does something that I get mad about, it can be a long time before I get over it. Well, the pastor was talking about how anger is kind of like food left in a fridge: If it doesn't get cleaned out before it expires, then it just spoils and rots and gets nastier and nastier. It's just like if you hold on to something that made you angry, like if someone hurt your feelings or let you down, the more you think about it, the more it starts to spoil inside of you. You get all bitter and resentful, and maybe you even forget why you were mad to begin with, but you're still mad. It's eats you alive, like cancer.
So, at the end of the service the pastor encouraged us to think about someone we need to forgive and to pray for God to help us to let go of our anger. I couldn't think of anybody.
Then, today happened. Now that I think about it, if I type it all out it's going to make me angry ALL OVER AGAIN, which is kind of counterproductive to my blog entry...
The Bible says: In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry. (Ephesians 4:26)

It makes so much more sense than just being angry all of the time. It gives me one less thing to worry about- one less thing to eat me alive. It's really hard, but I revoke my "privelidge" to be angry at this person. (By the way, it isn't ANYBODY who ever reads this blog.) Not because I'm such a wonderful, forgiving person, but because many of my own "screw ups" are fresh in my mind right now, and I can not live without forgiveness myself. The hardest part for me is going to be not to complain about this person anymore. I'm probably going to screw that up too, but that's ok, because sometimes you have to decide to forgive someone over and over for the same thing, and sometimes you have to ask God to forgive you for not being forgiving.

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
Ephesians 4:29-32

I am Woman. Hear me ... Choke?

So, I've been in this major rut lately. I just keep doubting myself: my looks, my smarts, my talent. It's a real bummer. All of a sudden, I care how other people see me, and it's driving me crazy. It's been little comments made by friends that have gotten under my skin and into my brain. Comments like : Are you trying to put on weight?
So, I worry about calorie intake and diabetes and I change my clothes 3 or 4 times in a morning. I obsess. But it's not just that one area that's got me on the Fritz. It's also this conducting class I'm taking. After the vocal catastrophe of 2005 when I had a semester of deployment, depression, and Dr. Schultz to deal with, I now seriously doubt my musical talent, as in whether or not it ever actually existed. And now, as a conducting student, it is my responsibility to teach, correct, and conduct a choir for a grade and I can't help but think, why should a group of students, including many music majors far more talented and better musically equipped than I, listen to me? What do I have to offer? And the answer just comes up as: BLANK.
I feel so utterly vulnerable and naked before a society which values a certain type of physical beauty and virtuosity that I do not posses. So, why do I all of a sudden feel this need inside of me to try to live up to these impossible standards? If I were ten pounds lighter and sang like Kathleen Battle, I would not be any more content, because there would always be someone prettier, smarter, and more talented than me. Or perhaps I would not be happier because joy does not come from looks or talent or fame or knowledge. No matter how hard I strive for each of these things, I find myself just as empty and discontent as I was to begin with. So, what's the solution? What's the point? How can I be happy? Perhaps it is time, once again, for me to stop trying to live for myself. I need to fill that emptiness with One who won't leave me empty again.

Does the world seem gray with empty longing
Wearing every shade of cynical
And do you ever feel that
There is something missing?
There's a God-shaped hole in all of us
And the restless soul is searching
There's a God-shaped hole in all of us And it's a void only he can fill
~Plumb