Cross a Woman? Then Stand Back, Watch Smoke Come Out Her Ears

Ok, so I know I'm not a mom, but this got sent to me and I thought it was funny, so I'm sharing it with y'all.

SHORE DUTY Archive: Cross a Woman? Then Stand Back, Watch Smoke Come Out Her Ears
Sarah Smiley 2006
There are three things about which most women are highly sensitive: their weight, their hair color, and their children. If you want to see smoke come out of a woman's ears (and I strongly advise against this; these types of dangerous experiments should only be left to a trained professional — such as the woman's mother) try telling her something like, "Wow, little Suzie is just now starting to walk? My Johnny took his first steps when he was 11-months-old." Or, if you really want to be daring, try telling her that you not only smashed and pureed your child's baby food, you grew the sweet potatoes, green beans and bananas in your back yard. Then say, "Oh, and your hair looks orange."
You can tell a woman that her cookies taste like cardboard and her living room carpet smells like urine, but God forbid you should suggest that she's put on a few pounds or that her son isn't developing like the rest of his peers.
For centuries, humanity has believed that politics and religion are taboo subjects. Apparently no one asked the females of our species. Because if they had, women would have said that the subjects such as homeschooling and pregnancy weight are mine fields that can destroy even the best of friendships.
Judging by the emails I receive and the conversations I overhear at Spouse Club meetings and so forth, the most likely offenders of these delicate subjects are (1) other women – mostly, new mothers, (2) family – either the kind you can't deny because you look just like them, or in-laws, whom you theoretically can deny but it will make Thanksgivings and Chistmases a living…well, you know, and (3) well-meaning but hormonally flawed husbands.
Heaven help the man who comes home from work and tells his wife, "So-and-so's wife does an educational craft with her children every Wednesday. Isn't that neat?" First of all, anyone named "so-and-so" is not to be trusted. Secondly, a mother can SAY she does an educational craft with her children every Wednesday, but define "educational." And last, any husband who foolishly comes home and says such a thing to his wife deserves to have his Xbox bound and gagged with construction paper and glue.
I was reminded of this phenomenon recently when I was almost — but for the hair of my chinny-chin-chin — dragged into a parenting debate with someone who is not even a mother yet. (Oops, let's add that one to the list, preferably up high The number one offender: women who don't have children.) Now, I'm a reasonably sane person who's somewhat in control of my emotions (Really! I am! Just ask Dust…no wait, ask my mom … no, better ask Leslie … or … oh well, just trust me). But when my parenting skills were analyzed by someone who hasn't lived with a 5-year-old boy yet, I went ballistic.
Then I calmed down and realized I also had grand ideas before I was a parent. I remember saying I'd never bribe my children with food or toys. Last week I spent $20 on toy trains to encourage Owen (3) to use the potty. Before I was a parent, I said I'd never let my children eat junk food. These days it isn't a stretch for me to assume that ketchup and Pop Tarts are completely wholesome.
Which reminds me of a great "Everybody Loves Raymond" episode, "The Angry Family." Ray and Deborah are called in for a parent-teacher conference after their son writes a story portraying his family as angry. Deborah tells the teacher, "until you have lived in that house with all of them … day after day, week after week, year after friggin' year, you are in no position to judge me!"
And, this basically is at the heart of every woman's sensitivities. Until you've had two pregnancies in two years, don't criticize another mother's weight. Until you've had a bad dye-job and had to bleach and then dye your hair again to get it to a "normal" color, don't judge another woman's orange hair. And until you've lived with a child who throws a temper tantrum just because his underwear is too lose or his shoes are the wrong feet, don't judge another mother who's flipping out in the middle of the mall.
If we could all keep our advice and commentary to ourselves, and follow these simple little rules, the world — or at least its women —would be much happier. And, no one would have to see another mother's head turn around and shoot smoke out the ears.
Smiley, 2006
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Sarah Smiley is the author of Shore Duty, a syndicated newspaper column that reaches more than 2 million readers weekly, and of the memoir GOING OVERBOARD: The Misadventures of a Military Wife, which was recently featured in the New York Times and Newsweek, and on Nightline, The Early Show, Fox News, CNN and MSNBC.
Smiley's life rights were optioned by Kelsey Grammer's company, Grammnet, and Paramount Television. A half-hour sitcom is now in development for CBS based on Smiley's book and columns.
Read more about Sarah and subscribe to her newsletter at www.SarahSmiley.com
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